The Consequence Paradox - Don't Go There

Have you ever looked back on your life and regretted a bad decision? "If only I had ...." I know I have.

My first marriage ended in divorce after eight years. Looking back, I realize that I rushed into it too quickly. I married her only a week after graduation from West Point. I was only 22 years old, and I didn't know much about myself, relationships or women at that age. I probably should have spent more time getting to know her. If I had, I may have discovered the differences between us, which became all too obvious later. I had a lot to learn, but I was impatient to make my life happen.

Five years after the divorce, I made another decision that had momentous consequences. I was a finalist for a White House Fellowship. About a dozen candidates are chosen each year to be special assistants at the White House or to cabinet members - for a year. The selection is usually a stepping-stone for greater success. As a finalist, I thought my interviews were going well and I had an excellent chance of being selected. But my final interview held a surprise. The man was famous, an influential member of the selection committee. He asked me a direct question about an issue that mattered a lot to him. I had done my homework, and I knew where he stood. But I opposed his point of view. Should I tell him what he wanted to hear? If I did, I thought I had a great chance to be selected. Or should I be honest and express my disagreement. I decided to be honest; and sure enough, I was not selected.

It was a traumatic introduction to the world of politics.

In the past, I have sometimes revisited these decisions - and others - and thought, "What if...?"

I've since learned to appreciate how pointless and counterproductive it is to do this. One obvious reason, of course, is that you don't get a redo. It's impossible to go back and relive these situations.

But the more important reason has to do with what I call the "Consequence Paradox." It goes like this. You may have made a weighty decision, and later you may understand that it wasn't a good call. And unfortunate consequences may have happened as a result. Very likely your life would have been different, perhaps better in many ways, if you had done something else.

But what you fail to acknowledge is that some good things flowed from your "bad choice" as well.

For example, my first marriage didn't turn out well, but we had two sons. These two guys, now about 40 years old, are very important to me. I count them among my best friends. I can't bear the thought of losing them, or life without them. But that's the way things would be if I hadn't married their mother all those years ago, if I had chosen differently.

As for the White House Fellowship, yes, my life would have been quite a bit different. I can't even imagine all the good things that would have happened and what would have become of me if I had had that opportunity.

But surely some bad things would have happened, too. Also, the things that matter most to me now - my wife, my friends, my business, my partners, my work, my home - none of these things would have happened. I'd be a much different person doing much different things somewhere else. I never would have met my wife, the most important person in my life. Unthinkable.

That's the Consequence Paradox. No matter what you choose to do, there will be consequences, and these consequences will lead to others, and so on in a cascade of consequences into the future. And very likely many of these consequences will end up being a huge, wonderful part of your life.

And that's why it's foolhardy to play the "If only..." game. Regret is a natural reaction, but you need to walk away from it as soon as possible. Move on and make the most of your life. Rekindling regret is one of the stupidest things a human being can do, because it can lead to depression and wrong thinking - unnecessarily.

Affirm it all. Yes, learn from the past, but don't second-guess yourself. Let it go. Affirm those old choices as part of what happened way back then. Affirm the good things that have happened since. And continue to make the most of what you have each day.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)